Kuyashinaki
by Relatively Unknown
Summary: A dark vignette on Kakashi and his past, from his POV. Plz RR.


A/N: This is probably the first in a series of one-shots and/or vignettes about certain  
"darker" characters.  
  
Shiva: Explain the title!  
  
CA: I will, at the end. I want them to read it first.   
  
Flaitheas: I'm starting wonder if all this angst and drama is good for what's left of your  
sanity...  
  
CA: I COULD make these all songfics, using, I don't know, Nirvana or Stone Sour--  
  
Flaith: No, no, no, that's okay, I was just making an observation.  
  
CA: *grins* *to the readers* She's scared of me and my songfics. Hmm, I wonder why...  
  
Shiva: Just get on with it already, would ya?  
  
CA: Jeez, PMS much? Fine, here's _Kuyashinaki_, Kakashi's fic.  
  
  
------------  
  
  
_Screams echoing...  
  
  
Cries of pain... of battle... of fear... of orders...  
  
  
Cries, all blending together in cacophony of agony...  
  
  
Then...  
  
  
Quiet...  
  
  
Silence..._  
  
  
Kakashi woke up with a sudden start, his hand under his pillow and back out with a large  
throwing knife in a split second. He dared not breathe or move. The silence surrounded  
him like a blanket, both comforting and smothering.   
  
  
He relaxed and released the breath he had held. He was covered sheet of sweat. His heart  
raced, despite the dream already fading away. He knew it well. It was one of those  
memories that you wish you could forget, but couldn't. It came back and haunted your  
sleep like living death.  
  
  
He glanced at his clock, the red neon numbers standing out in the near pitch black dark.  
2:21 AM. He should lay back down and try to get some form of sleep. He should, but  
wasn't going to. He was wide awake and itching to get as far away from his bed as  
possible.  
  
  
He got up and threw on pair of pants and a tank top. It was warm out, and he had no need  
for full attire. Mask and gloves in place, he left, not bothering with his hitai-ate or even  
locking his door. He just had to get out of there and into the night.  
  
  
The silence was almost deafening. Only a slight breeze sifted through, occasionally make  
a store sign creak. The moon was but a sliver in the sky, and the stars shown weakly,  
despite the clear night.   
  
  
He walked down the empty street, calmed by the darkness. He was a creature of the night,  
and preferred it a hundred times more than day. He was often up late, which spilled over  
into his sleeping late, and his habitual lateness for training his students. He fed them silly  
excuses, not wanting to bother thinking up decent ones. It didn't matter in the end.  
  
  
The warm night air felt cool against his sweat-soaked skin. It sent a chill down his spine,  
and caused an involuntary shiver. He paused, leaning against a porch railing for support,  
trying to clear his head. He slid down until he was sitting on the hard ground. His heart  
still raced a bit, thundering in his ears.  
  
  
He couldn't take this any more. The nightmares... that one especially... plagued his sleep  
and his mind. There were times when he wanted to do nothing short of ripping his apart.  
It was like a bulldog that had dug its fangs into his heart and soul and nothing could tear it  
away... not even death...  
  
  
Why? Why was this haunting him so? He looked at his gloved hands, and remembered  
how they had been covered with blood that day. The blood of his friends... of his  
teammates... One had been an Uchiha. Sasuke's uncle. He had held him in arms,  
watching the last breaths of the man leave him. He could do nothing... The words still  
echoed through his mind.  
  
  
_"I'm lost, Kakashi... Save yourself!"  
  
  
"I can't leave you here!"  
  
  
"Kakashi, I'm dead already! Please, you're the last--"  
  
  
"It doesn't matter, I'm not leaving you behind!"  
  
  
"Kakashi, listen to me! Take my eye... they can't find the Sharingan, you know that. Take  
it, or I'll do the seal myself!"_  
  
  
He had been torn as to what to do. Their attackers were regrouping, and there wasn't  
much time left. One look at his friend, and the look that he got, and he knew that he had  
to do what his friend had said. He pulled out a kunai and started to doing the hand seals  
that would transfer it...  
  
  
He had had to destroy his own eye first, and mixed a bit of their blood. Doing was the  
hardest thing had ever had to do. But Uchiha Kado had been right-- the attackers could  
not get ahold of the Sharingan.  
  
  
Kakashi had been silently thankful that Kado only had one eye, the other one useless  
since birth. The Sharingan had not appeared in it because of that. He was thankful, not  
because of the pain, but because no sooner had he finished then the attackers came down  
on him. But the newly integrated Sharingan kicked into high gear immediately and he  
brought death to all of them.  
  
  
The walk home after the fight was the hardest one he had ever done.... Normally, he  
couldn't wait to get home; but this time was different. His entire team had been wiped  
out, except for him, only because he took something from his best friend... He hid with  
his hitai-ate because he could never turn it off... and because Kado's brother-- Sasuke's  
father-- was infuriated by what had happened. He was never truly able to face him, and  
lost his chance when he was murdered by his son and heir apparent, Uchiha Itachi.   
  
  
Kado had been his only true friend in life. Sure, there were others he cared about, but he  
had known Kado the longest, with the exception of his family. But his parents had died  
not long after he became a chuunin at age 6. Yondaime had taken care of him until his  
death, when he was left on his own.  
  
  
Kado died not long after he became a chuunin, and Kakashi had become a jounin-- 15. It  
was in the years that had followed Kyuubi's sealing, the years of chaos and infighting.  
After Kado's death and the rejection from his family, Kakashi had thought himself to be  
totally alone... and alone he decided to remain.   
  
  
Until a friend of Kado's started coming around, checking up on him. It was Iruka, who,  
despite being a few years younger, had been good friends with Kado. Kakashi had known  
him simply as a friend of a friend, and hadn't paid much attention to the quiet chuunin.  
But through mutual grief, they had become friends, or as near as much as Kakashi would  
allow himself to be.  
  
  
Iruka had been orphaned as well, but managed to keep a smile on his face. Kakashi often  
called him a Mother Hen, because he always looked after everyone. He wasn't the  
strongest, but loved kids, so he became an Academy teacher. Kakashi had thought it  
suited him perfectly; but Iruka wasn't so fond of Kakashi's job description.  
  
  
Being a member of Anbu was a dangerous life, and it had taken Iruka years of begging  
before Kakashi began to consider another career. Truth was, he had grown sick of  
assassinations and hunting down missing-nins. Iruka suggested being a teacher, and  
although he had balked at the idea at first, he finally decided that the graduating genins  
needed some lessons in teamwork. So he took the offer when it came up.  
  
  
He had nearly fainted when he found out who his team would be this last time. Uchiha  
Sasuke, his best friend's nephew; Uzumaki Naruto, the boy who held Kyuubi; and  
Haruno Sakura, quite possibly one of the most intelligent kids he had ever met. So, in  
truth, it was no surprise when they passed, unlike every team before them.  
  
  
Another slight breeze and the creaking of a few signs brought Kakashi back to the  
present. He was sitting on the street, leaning against a stranger's house, in the middle of  
the night. He stood, shakily, and kept on walking.  
  
  
In his heart he knew where he was going, but his mind wasn't ready to accept that fact  
just yet. He let it be. He'd face the truth of it soon enough. He walked slowly, as was his  
habit, and had heard it called 'methodical'.   
  
  
He was anything but methodical at the moment. Hell, Konohamaru and his friends  
probably could succeed in surprising him at the moment... that's just how shaken he  
really was.   
  
  
Whether he admitted it or not, he was confronting a past that had haunted him for so long.  
It scared him like nothing else had since that day. To face one's own demons was a task  
that even the most hardy individuals ran from... because you were faced with the  
knowledge that only one of you would survive-- you or your demon.  
  
  
He walked to a place where he had been dozens of times before, and had even held his  
little "teamwork exam" there. He had chosen that place to honor the memory of his  
friends, and he knew that somewhere, wherever their spirits resided, they were proud of  
him and his students.   
  
  
He hadn't realized he had stopped until he glanced up and saw the memorial in front of  
him. He knelt and bowed his head, showing the respect every name upon the cool black  
stone deserved. He reached out touched it, barely surprised at the lack of warmth it held,  
even in this warmest of weather.   
  
  
The names were specially etched in, and there was a wooden box nearby that held paper  
and unique type of pencil that visitors could use to put on the memorial and copy the  
names by running the pencil over the paper. Family members of those who died did it the  
most, and such papers had become almost an heirloom of sorts, a last testiment to the  
fallen soul.  
  
  
He had never done it himself. He had tried once, but his hands had shaken too much and  
there were so many names to copy... Not just Uchiha Kado, but another one of his best  
friends, Sato Obito, and many of his former comrades... His parents were on the black  
stone as well, having died on a covert mission.   
  
  
He couldn't stand the pain any longer. Balling his hands into fists he cried out abruptly, a  
quiet scream of agony. He leaned against the stone, tears streaming down his face... the  
pain and the regret of the past years came thrashing forward, and he could no longer hold  
them back.   
  
  
He cried until he could barely move, and fell against the stone. He turned over on his  
back and stared at the endless sea of ebony that was the sky. A breeze swept through,  
making the trees shiver and chilling his damp face.   
  
  
Everyone, with the exception of a few, hailed him as a great and powerful jounin. If they  
could see him at the moment they would deny that it was even truly him, and that would  
hurt more than any of the unwanted praise they gave him.   
  
  
That's why he hid from the world. He didn't want their praise or their glory... he wanted  
them to forget he even existed. He was no great ninja.... A great ninja would be able to  
save his comrades, and his friends, and not have to bear the scars of loss. A great ninja  
wouldn't have to hide behind a mask, because a great ninja would be able to face the  
world... and his demons...  
  
  
Kakashi wondered what his team would think of him if they saw him like this. He had a  
feeling that they would all understand, in their own ways. Naruto would know how  
powerful the ties of friendship are, and the devastation at their loss; Sakura would  
empathize at the feeling of not being strong enough to protect those closest to you; and  
Sasuke... Sasuke would understand the pain of losing all whom you cared about in a  
single instant.   
  
  
In a way, they were all alike. All of them were fallen from grace somehow, and despite  
the many reactions, they all hid themselves behind a façade. He, his mask; Sasuke, his  
indifference; Naruto, his antics; and Sakura, her words. They all hid... because they could  
not face the world.  
  
  
Kakashi stood shakily, his body aching from sitting awkwardly for too long. He started to  
walk away, but stopped. He glanced back at the memorial. He remembered something  
Yondaime told him when they had visited after his parents had died.  
  
  
_"Only their names are here, Kakashi. Their spirits are everywhere around you... in the  
air you breathe, on the ground on which walk, and in the rain that falls. They are in every  
tree and rock, and they are even in you. Their names are here, Kakashi, but their spirits  
live on..."_  
  
  
"Their spirits live on..." he whispered.   
  
  
All of those who he had lost were still alive, and yet here he was, dead to the world. He  
had forgotten them by hiding. Forgotten how to live, how to laugh, and most of all, how  
to love. The nightmares that plagued him weren't there to remind him of the pain, but  
their to make him remember those who he had lost.   
  
  
He turned and left, heading back to his home and his bed, but not before making a silent  
promise.  
  
  
He couldn't face the world, not yet. But one day he would, and not alone. He and his team  
would face it together, and even if they lost everything, it would still live on... and would  
no longer cry these tears of regret.  
  
  
  
~Owari~  
  
  
  
CA: _Kuyashinaki_ means, what else, "Tears of Regret". This certainly became one long  
vignette, didn't it?  
  
Shiva: *shrugs* It's good, so does it matter?  
  
CA: No, I guess not. I hope it is good, or at least that the readers like it.  
  
Shiva: Maybe you should tell them who all you're planning to do.  
  
CA: I suppose that couldn't hurt... In my plans I have Naruto, Sasuke, Gaara, and Haku  
lined up for after this. I'm avoiding Sakura and some of the others for the moment,  
because I want to do my faves first. I might do Itachi, but that's still up in the air.   
  
Shiva: Well, ya'll know the drill... you've read, so now it's time for review.  
  
CA: And flames are fine, if not welcomed, because it's my motto that flames are there to  
truly judge your work by. ^-^ 


End file.
